Everything changed when I left school. I went from a well liked, popular, model student (apart from the constant telling offs for talking). I enjoyed the structure I was really creative into music, drama and dance as an extra curricular. I wasn’t really academic but I still managed to maintain average to above average grades. Looking back I believe this was down to my sheer terror of failure and having a twin who was academically gifted across the board.
My twin Rachel has always been my biggest cheerleader and who would help me revise for my core GCSEs, sharing her notes when I couldn’t managed to focus at all. Apparently after asking my parents, homework was a massive issue for me as well. What I didn’t understand at the time but know now, is that I was finding it really overwhelming. I just didn’t know where to start… and don’t get me started on Maths….
Anyway primary school was a blast except Rachel’s work was always up on the wall and mine wasn’t. She would get certificates for academic achievements whereas I would get them for effort, being caring , kind and helpful. However we both made head girl. That was very special sharing this with my twin.
At secondary school the school and my parents jointly decided to split us up into different half’s of the year group. I didn’t have to compare myself anymore my identity wasn’t distinguished as just a twin. I came out of myself. I did every school play, started playing the tenor horn in the brass band and started to gain many achievements in the arts. I loved English literature especially the debates we had about Lord of the Flies ( I still have my annotated copy). My school years were glorious… well mostly!
Bring on collage and again I took on the arts and even had to audition to get on the course! I got in. I was elated as I had spent actual time learning a monologue off by heart and throwing everything into the audition piece. I was shattered when on the first day of term I found out everyone had got in and most students had taken it as a doss lesson. There were barely any structure and you could be who you wanted to be… except now I was lost?
I tried to fit in. I was a social butterfly just trying anything to find a place called home but just couldn’t find my people. I was bullied because I was apparently a ‘goody 2 shoes’ who spoke out when people were not taking class seriously. I just wanted to get good grades as I had found something I actually excelled at. My class got jealous as I was getting a lot of leading rolls and was looked upon as a teachers pet.
I got bullied because of my primark clothes, my wardrobe was forever changing to try and be like others but I couldn’t afford the brands they had and back then I hadn’t heard of charity shops in a positive light. Second hand items were ‘ewww and gross’ , oh how much I wish I had known then that I do now.
No matter what I did whether it was try and change my personality, clothes, the way I acted individually never seemed to fit into the box they wanted me too. On a number of occasions I was going to leave collage for good and had to have a meeting with the head of college who begged me to stay. I managed to somehow stick it out and did managed to finish with a triple distinction but also left without a shred of self worth or self esteem and to top it all off I now had trust issues.
Convinced by my tutor I applied to Drama Schools and got in. Congratulated in a class the jibes started coming that I was boasting as I was the only one that got into a top Drama school. This was so far from the truth as by this time I was pretty much mute as I couldn’t say or do anything right without being ridiculed by my cruel class mates.
Drama school came and I had to move into shared housing with 3 girls I had just met. Without trust and now without my twin I felt helpless and alone. I had to work weekends as my family didn’t earn enough to send me money. I felt completely alone and again tried to fit into other peoples boxes and ended up pushing some lovely people away due to my trust issues. I was so scared of rejection…
My essays were just scraping by with a 3rd and I knew something was wrong. I got diagnosed with dyslexia in my last year of Drama school so thankfully I had support with my dissertation. I enjoyed all the practical side of my course which was Drama and Applied Theatre in Education. However I could not find a group of relatable friends that I fit in with but again I didn’t seem to fit anywhere anymore.
My clothes were what I thought others would want me to wear. And I hated my living arrangements so much so I commuted in my final 2 years that distanced me further from my class mates. At least at Drama school acting came naturally and I was able to mask a lot of how I was feeling. I could dress up as a clown and juggle scarves and play my alter ego bumble the clown. In this persona and character I felt safe. I had a few close people who I wish I had connected with on a deeper level but I just kept everyone at arms length as I didn’t want to get rejected. Rejection then became another massive fear of mine. I completed my Degree with a 2:1.
The only lasting friendships I have made throughout my whole education are people who have known me since primary school. They knew me warts and all. I can count them all on one hand but that’s ok. There is one special one in particular Cam. No matter the highs or lows and even though we always seem to be in different countries he has been the one constant who doesn’t judge me. He always shows up online that is! I get him and he gets me. We support each other as wanderers of the world. So I hold on to those special people while others drift off into the wind. As even when I am lost they help me find my way back to me.
invisiblenotimaginedart 